Love in the Time of Lies

When was the first time you were lied to?

Maybe it was something supposedly harmless like Santa Claus. Or, maybe it was something that was intended to protect you, like your parents weren’t going to get divorced. Or, maybe it was something the person who lied to you had every intent on following through with, like taking you to the park this weekend.  

Do you remember it? 

The first lie I remember being told came from a dude who was at a party my babysitter threw at my house. He told my younger brother and me that he wasn’t drunk because he was drinking Root Beer. Looking back at it, I appreciate his attempt to protect me and make me feel ok with what was going on. 

Still, I know that wasn’t the first lie I was told. If we are being honest, we probably don’t remember the first time we were lied to. That’s how normal it is. 

I asked some folks close to me if they remembered; no one could. For some, that was jarring. For most, it was just part of life. To be expected. To lie and be lied to is to be human. I think that might be true. Especially when we are most honest and admit the first lies we were told probably came from those who love us. 

I’ve found myself thinking about that a lot. The conflation of love and lies. 

The first time my daughter lied to me, I was livid. I told her that we don’t lie. We tell the truth.

That was a lie. 

I’ve lied.

My parents lied. 

Their parents lied. 

Their parents lied.

The legacy of those lies varies. Some vanish as quickly as the lie left our lips. Others leave scars. They inform how we understand ourselves and our people. These are the most dangerous. They are the lies we tell ourselves. The lies the voice in our head whispers in our weakest, most vulnerable moment. The most lethal, this lie called whiteness. 

Our people spread this lie thinking they were doing what was best. It wasn’t supposed to cost us this much. I believe our ancestors thought they were doing the right thing. That doesn’t make it any less lethal. 

The blood on the hands of this lie is well documented—regardless of what the current administration wants us to believe. Another lie. That shouldn’t surprise us because lies require more lies in order to maintain themselves. But that's not the whole story. The lie of whiteness cost those of us who were told to believe it. Told by people who love us who were told by people that love them that the only way to get by was to believe this lie. 

That is why so many are so passionate about MAGA. That is why so many refuse to see the lie. Someone they love, and who loves them, told them the same lie. 

The truth, though, is that love cannot coexist with the lie of whiteness. 

Whiteness requires hatred. It requires dehumanization. It requires violence. As a matter of fact, it thrives off of it. It requires the absence of love. 

You can’t love and render other human beings 3/5ths of a person. 

You can’t love and smile during lynchings.

You can’t love and hate so many simultaneously.

You can’t love and demand so little of yourself.

You can’t love others and you can’t love yourself.

And that is terrifying. 

That is why we are so succeptible. Whiteness demands that we be unloved, even by those who swear they love us. And we are terrified. It’s because of those twin truths that we commit the most heinous acts. We betray the most fundamental tenants of morality and human decency. It’s not just hurt people hurting people it’s the poison of the lie. It’s the isolation. It’s the loneliness even in a full room. It’s the depression. It’s the despair. It’s the absence of love. 

And there lies the solution. 

Love in the time of lies.